The incoherent ramblings of a mentally ill Human
30
Aug
2014

Anger Management: Things Have Gotten So Much Better

by Jason
 66    1

I’ve been talking a lot with other men about how they are being treated by their wives, and it makes me look back just a few short months ago at how my relationship with my own wife was faring. My wife was angry all the time and often took it out on me. It had gotten so bad that I thought we may soon be splitting up. She just didn’t seem happy, and her bouts of extreme rage were really starting to affect me in a bad way. It seemed […]

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26
Aug
2014

Alive and Kicking: It’s Been a Very Busy Week

by Jason
 91    3

You may be wondering why I haven’t written anything in a while. Then again, looking at my traffic numbers, no one may be wondering. Either way, I’ve been very busy and I let my little blog fall by the wayside. I do have a few very good reasons for not writing sooner. Reason Number 1: I Haven’t Been Well Physically and emotionally, I’ve been a wreck. I started off the week depressed and anxious and I thought I was getting the flu because I was having terrible body aches. I […]

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20
Aug
2014

Keeping Busy is Helping my Schizoaffective Disorder

by Jason
 97

The past few weeks have been fairly awful for me. Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and psychosis have been tearing my mind apart without letup. I felt like I was walking down a dark tunnel with no light at the end. But things are starting to change for me just a little bit. Yes, I still have depression and anxiety, but I stopped hearing voices and being so paranoid and the racing thoughts have calmed a bit where I can concentrate a little. What Made the Change for the Better? I […]

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16
Aug
2014

There is a Monster in My Mind

by Jason
 154    4

It only feels like it’s getting worse. The pissed-off monster inside my head won’t go away. It’s eating all the positive and shitting out negative all over the inside of my mind. This monster has a name: Schizoaffective Disorder. This monster only laughs at my attempts to make it go away. Medication, self-love and downright pleading for it to go away only make it happier to settle in and make itself at home. It’s been there all along, but only now it has decided to make mayhem and drive me […]

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14
Aug
2014

I Need to Make a Decision About My Mental Health, But it’s a Tough One

by Jason
 165    7

If you’ve read any of my blog up until now, you would know I have a problem. I can’t get decent mental health care in the Philippines, at least not that I can afford, and day-by-day my illness is getting worse. I know I need to do something drastic to help myself or else. I am at a point now where I am worried that my illness is bad enough where I may do something to myself that will either land me in the mental ward again or worse, end […]

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13
Aug
2014

Second Attempt: Depression, Anxiety, Psychosis and Robin Williams

by Jason
 174    3

Yesterday I tried to sit and write something, but all that came out was a big pile of shit. I’m going to attempt to write something today, even though I don’t feel any better. In fact. I feel worse. For some reason I have yet to fathom, I experienced a breakdown of epic proportions. The last few days have been a hell of depression, anxiety, voices in my head, racing thoughts and paranoia. I felt so bad yesterday that I don’t think I spent an hour out of bed the […]

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11
Aug
2014

Depression, Anxiety and Psychosis Finally Made Me Crash

by Jason
 142    8

I just woke up from a marathon 14 hour sleep session. I have been pushing myself too hard despite the depression and anxiety. I guess my body finally told me “enough is enough” and shut down. You’d think I should know better by now to take better care of myself when depression and anxiety come calling. Why I Have Been Depressed I don’t know how, when or why it started, but I feel like I have been stuck in a deep well for a long time now. The antidepressants don’t […]

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9
Aug
2014

What is Schizoaffective Disorder Anyway?

by Jason
 223    6

I talk a lot about living with Depressive Type Schizoaffective Disorder, but I don’t think I ever really explained what it is, how it relates to Schizophrenia, what are the symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder, and how is it treated. Let’s get started. What is Schizoaffective Disorder? If you do a Google search for “What is Schizoaffective Disorder?” you get almost 10 million results, so I will narrow it down for you. One of the more trusted websites out there, Mayoclinic.org, describes Schizoaffective Disorder like this: “Schizoaffective disorder is a condition […]

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7
Aug
2014

10 Reasons I Hate Depression

by Jason
 173    1

Besides the anxiety I get from my anxiety disorder, the depression from my depressive type Schizoaffective Disorder has got to be the worst thing I deal with every day. The last two days have been hell. Last night was particularly bad and today isn’t looking much better. I deal with depression in some severity every day. Most times my antidepressants dull the ache enough where I can get through the day. Other times, I spiral down the rabbit hole and am barely able to function, and most times end up […]

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4
Aug
2014

Examining My Mental Illness Support System: What Helps and What Doesn’t

by Jason
 142    6

Everyone with a mental illness has a support system. It can be good or bad. I would rate mine about medium because I have some areas of support that are solid and unwavering and some that are bad or non-existent. I know I need to work on mine. Living with Depressive Type Schizoaffective Disorder should not be a lonely battle. I should strive to accept help from wherever I can get it. Areas That Need Work There are two big things missing from my treatment that I know would help […]

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2
Aug
2014

The Two Months Since My Suicide Attempt

by Jason
 248

It’s been a little over two months since I wrote a suicide note on my blog and then tried to kill myself. I’ve talked about that attempt several times, but I haven’t updated recently on how I am doing. It’s been a tough two months, but I am here to tell you my story, and that’s what matters. Month One: Dealing with the Aftermath The first month after my attempt was hard on me in so many ways. I was dealing with a whole lot of shame and embarrassment, and […]

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1
Aug
2014

I Don’t Want To Be Mentally Ill Anymore

by Jason
 160    3

Every day I think how nice it would be not to have Schizoaffective Disorder. I don’t necessarily want to be “normal”, because the new normal is boring and terrible in its own way. I just want to be rid of this disease and have a chance to do things other healthy people get to do. A Day Without Mental Illness: What Would it be Like? I often dream about having just one day where I could healthy and happy. I think about all the things I wouldn’t have to worry […]

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30
Jul
2014

Anger Management: My Wife and the Rules of the Road

by Jason
 117    5

My wife and I were driving back from the mall the other day. I was driving very careful like I always do, because the drivers in this country really are terrible. As I was driving along I was passing through an intersection and a guy in a big pickup truck decided he wasn’t going to stop and tried to make it through before me. I almost hit him. Well, my wife got very mad. At me! Evidently I am to blame for all the other driver’s horrible mistakes because I […]

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28
Jul
2014

Why Don’t I Show Any Emotion?

by Jason
 114    2

How is it that I can feel emotion but not show it? My emotions run the gamut every day. I do have to say most of them are negative: sadness, hopelessness, fear, anger, disgust, pain, weariness, confusion. But sometimes I feel good emotions, just sometimes: happiness, bewilderment, trust, wonder, amusement, pride, patience, love. I’m just like everyone else, even with my illness. The problem comes into play in that I am unable or unwilling to show any of these emotions. Most of the time, my face is impassive; like a […]

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27
Jul
2014

VLOG: Schizoaffective Disorder – Will the Voices Ever End?

by Jason
 72    4

Another video in the bag! The video and sound quality of this one is not very good. I plan on investing in some video equipment soon so my videos will be better. This is a short video about the experiences with voices I have been having recently. I hope you enjoy it or at least learn something. View this video on YouTube. Go to my YouTube channel and subscribe or leave a comment.     Photo Credit: “Digital 8” by User:Tukka – Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via […]

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26
Jul
2014

The Broken Man: Haunted by Memories of Sexual Abuse

by Jason
 408    5

I’m reluctant to talk about this subject because I don’t want to give it any more power over me than it already has, but I just need to get it all out of my head. If you read my post yesterday, you’ll know that my voices came back again. Only this time it was a new voice I had never heard before. It was a mumbling man’s voice I couldn’t really make out, except for a few times where he called me a piece of shit. But then I had […]

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25
Jul
2014

A Day in the Life of a Schizo: Realization

by Jason
 125    2

3:00 am 7-25-2014 Philippine Time I’m sitting here waiting for my video to upload to YouTube. It feels like it’s taking forever. I’ve been up since 11:30 pm trying to get this thing working and I’m tired. Next month I am getting one of those e-cigarettes and I am going to try and quit. Someone suggested I try it, so I am going to give it a whirl. I’m not sure about all those funky flavors though. Pineapple? I think I might go with the menthol so at least I […]

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24
Jul
2014

VLOG: What it is Like to Live with Schizoaffective Disorder

by Jason
 60

Welcome to my second video blog. I actually had it completed yesterday, but I had a problem with my internet connection so I couldn’t upload it. I ask that you bear with me as I learn to make better videos. Hopefully each one will be an improvement. In this short video, I talk about what it’s like living with Schizoaffective Disorder: the psychosis (delusions and hallucinations), depression and anxiety. I hope you enjoy it! View this video on YouTube. Go to my YouTube Channel and subscribe.     Photo Credit: […]

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22
Jul
2014

Schizoaffective Disorder, Depression and Anxiety: The Story of My Life

by Jason
 162    7

I have Depressive Type Schizoaffective Disorder, so feeling sad and hopeless is somewhat normal for me. Unlike Bipolar-Type, which has cycles of manic “up” periods and depressive “low” periods, I just feel the “lows” along with my psychosis. Add in with that intense anxiety and you get an idea of what I go through on a daily basis. Earlier this month, I had been feeling fairly good with only a little depression and anxiety, but the past week has been really bad for me. Last night everything came to a […]

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20
Jul
2014

VLOG: The Story of My Suicide Attempt of May 29, 2014

by Jason
 78    3

I finally decided to join the ranks of the Vloggers and start making videos. This video is similar to the post, “Ashamed But Hopeful: The Aftermath of My Suicide Attempt”, but goes into a bit more of the story. I hope you enjoy it. I plan to make more in the future, so subscribe to my YouTube channel. Watch this video on YouTube Go to the Schizo Incognito YouTube Channel     Photo Credit: “Digital 8” by User:Tukka – Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

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