The incoherent ramblings of a mentally ill Human
14
Oct
2014

Living Schizoaffective – Hope Conquers All

by Jason
 46

You’ve probably noticed I haven’t been writing as much recently as I used to. But, it’s not what you think. Perhaps it’s just the opposite. I haven’t been feeling horrible and not able to write. I’ve actually been feeling pretty good. Because of this, I have been working more and more on my mysterious “project” I’ve been talking about for a while. It’s still early on in the process, so I don’t want to divulge too much about it because there are relationships I am trying to build that I […]

Continue reading
3
Oct
2014

I Made a Mistake – Now I’m Paying For It

by Jason
 72    2

10.3.2014 5:00AM, Philippine Time Well, another thing on the list of stupidity I’ve done. We ran low on money, so I cut my anti-psychotic in half. I have been on that dosage for about a week. Now I feel like I have the flu. Every time I mess around with my medications, I get these same symptoms. Mostly body aches and stomach problems. Thankfully, I get my check tonight and can buy some more pills. I don’t really know why I always do this to myself. I should have planned […]

Continue reading
2
Oct
2014

I’ve Been Better, But I’ve Also Been Worse

by Jason
 67

Yesterday was not a bad day, but it was also not good. Depression was hanging over me like a wet blanket and the anxiety was gurgling in my stomach all day. So far, I haven’t heard any voices or had any strange delusions, so the psychosis seems to be staying away for now. Early in the morning, I had a breakthrough in one of the projects I am work on, and it was keeping me alert for most of the day. I get a little adrenaline rush when I’m thinking […]

Continue reading
26
Sep
2014

Depression, Anxiety, Concentration and Motivation

by Jason
 94

Since the last time I posted, things have gone downhill just a bit. Depression has gotten worse, anxiety has increased ten-fold and I’ve lost my concentration and motivation. I thought I would try to break up some of the tension by writing for a while in my favorite place. It’s amazing to me how, when you have a mental illness, you can be on top of the world one minute, then down in the dumps the next. Things turn so quickly, it’s hard to keep up with it. It’s so […]

Continue reading
23
Sep
2014

Schizoaffective Disorder is Losing the Battle

by Jason
 102

If you’ve read any of my blog from the last few months you know I have been fighting a battle with Depressive-Type Schizoaffective Disorder. Sad to say, it’s been winning most of the time. But these past few weeks have given me hope that maybe one day I will be free, and I won’t have to deal with it anymore. I have been feeling good; really good. The last three weeks have given me a whole new perspective on things, and even if I relapse soon, I know I can […]

Continue reading
19
Sep
2014

Just Not Feelin’ It – Depression That Is!

by Jason
 98

Hi everybody! Sorry I’ve been gone for so long but my schedule has been very full as of late. Changing My Life The reason I’ve been so busy is that I have been feeling so much better these days. I took someone’s advice and started doing research on the internet about naturally treating depression, and I have to say my eyes have been opened. I’ve drastically changed the way I live: no sugar or processed foods, been eating more proteins and foods with Omega-3’s, cut back on my caffeine and […]

Continue reading
30
Aug
2014

Anger Management: Things Have Gotten So Much Better

by Jason
 156    1

I’ve been talking a lot with other men about how they are being treated by their wives, and it makes me look back just a few short months ago at how my relationship with my own wife was faring. My wife was angry all the time and often took it out on me. It had gotten so bad that I thought we may soon be splitting up. She just didn’t seem happy, and her bouts of extreme rage were really starting to affect me in a bad way. It seemed […]

Continue reading
26
Aug
2014

Alive and Kicking: It’s Been a Very Busy Week

by Jason
 189    3

You may be wondering why I haven’t written anything in a while. Then again, looking at my traffic numbers, no one may be wondering. Either way, I’ve been very busy and I let my little blog fall by the wayside. I do have a few very good reasons for not writing sooner. Reason Number 1: I Haven’t Been Well Physically and emotionally, I’ve been a wreck. I started off the week depressed and anxious and I thought I was getting the flu because I was having terrible body aches. I […]

Continue reading
20
Aug
2014

Keeping Busy is Helping my Schizoaffective Disorder

by Jason
 172

The past few weeks have been fairly awful for me. Depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and psychosis have been tearing my mind apart without letup. I felt like I was walking down a dark tunnel with no light at the end. But things are starting to change for me just a little bit. Yes, I still have depression and anxiety, but I stopped hearing voices and being so paranoid and the racing thoughts have calmed a bit where I can concentrate a little. What Made the Change for the Better? I […]

Continue reading
16
Aug
2014

There is a Monster in My Mind

by Jason
 269    4

It only feels like it’s getting worse. The pissed-off monster inside my head won’t go away. It’s eating all the positive and shitting out negative all over the inside of my mind. This monster has a name: Schizoaffective Disorder. This monster only laughs at my attempts to make it go away. Medication, self-love and downright pleading for it to go away only make it happier to settle in and make itself at home. It’s been there all along, but only now it has decided to make mayhem and drive me […]

Continue reading
14
Aug
2014

I Need to Make a Decision About My Mental Health, But it’s a Tough One

by Jason
 260    7

If you’ve read any of my blog up until now, you would know I have a problem. I can’t get decent mental health care in the Philippines, at least not that I can afford, and day-by-day my illness is getting worse. I know I need to do something drastic to help myself or else. I am at a point now where I am worried that my illness is bad enough where I may do something to myself that will either land me in the mental ward again or worse, end […]

Continue reading
13
Aug
2014

Second Attempt: Depression, Anxiety, Psychosis and Robin Williams

by Jason
 281    5

Yesterday I tried to sit and write something, but all that came out was a big pile of shit. I’m going to attempt to write something today, even though I don’t feel any better. In fact. I feel worse. For some reason I have yet to fathom, I experienced a breakdown of epic proportions. The last few days have been a hell of depression, anxiety, voices in my head, racing thoughts and paranoia. I felt so bad yesterday that I don’t think I spent an hour out of bed the […]

Continue reading
11
Aug
2014

Depression, Anxiety and Psychosis Finally Made Me Crash

by Jason
 264    8

I just woke up from a marathon 14 hour sleep session. I have been pushing myself too hard despite the depression and anxiety. I guess my body finally told me “enough is enough” and shut down. You’d think I should know better by now to take better care of myself when depression and anxiety come calling. Why I Have Been Depressed I don’t know how, when or why it started, but I feel like I have been stuck in a deep well for a long time now. The antidepressants don’t […]

Continue reading
9
Aug
2014

What is Schizoaffective Disorder Anyway?

by Jason
 458    8

I talk a lot about living with Depressive Type Schizoaffective Disorder, but I don’t think I ever really explained what it is, how it relates to Schizophrenia, what are the symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder, and how is it treated. Let’s get started. What is Schizoaffective Disorder? If you do a Google search for “What is Schizoaffective Disorder?” you get almost 10 million results, so I will narrow it down for you. One of the more trusted websites out there, Mayoclinic.org, describes Schizoaffective Disorder like this: “Schizoaffective disorder is a condition […]

Continue reading
7
Aug
2014

10 Reasons I Hate Depression

by Jason
 260    1

Besides the anxiety I get from my anxiety disorder, the depression from my depressive type Schizoaffective Disorder has got to be the worst thing I deal with every day. The last two days have been hell. Last night was particularly bad and today isn’t looking much better. I deal with depression in some severity every day. Most times my antidepressants dull the ache enough where I can get through the day. Other times, I spiral down the rabbit hole and am barely able to function, and most times end up […]

Continue reading
4
Aug
2014

Examining My Mental Illness Support System: What Helps and What Doesn’t

by Jason
 195    6

Everyone with a mental illness has a support system. It can be good or bad. I would rate mine about medium because I have some areas of support that are solid and unwavering and some that are bad or non-existent. I know I need to work on mine. Living with Depressive Type Schizoaffective Disorder should not be a lonely battle. I should strive to accept help from wherever I can get it. Areas That Need Work There are two big things missing from my treatment that I know would help […]

Continue reading
2
Aug
2014

The Two Months Since My Suicide Attempt

by Jason
 333

It’s been a little over two months since I wrote a suicide note on my blog and then tried to kill myself. I’ve talked about that attempt several times, but I haven’t updated recently on how I am doing. It’s been a tough two months, but I am here to tell you my story, and that’s what matters. Month One: Dealing with the Aftermath The first month after my attempt was hard on me in so many ways. I was dealing with a whole lot of shame and embarrassment, and […]

Continue reading
1
Aug
2014

I Don’t Want To Be Mentally Ill Anymore

by Jason
 303    3

Every day I think how nice it would be not to have Schizoaffective Disorder. I don’t necessarily want to be “normal”, because the new normal is boring and terrible in its own way. I just want to be rid of this disease and have a chance to do things other healthy people get to do. A Day Without Mental Illness: What Would it be Like? I often dream about having just one day where I could healthy and happy. I think about all the things I wouldn’t have to worry […]

Continue reading
30
Jul
2014

Anger Management: My Wife and the Rules of the Road

by Jason
 208    5

My wife and I were driving back from the mall the other day. I was driving very careful like I always do, because the drivers in this country really are terrible. As I was driving along I was passing through an intersection and a guy in a big pickup truck decided he wasn’t going to stop and tried to make it through before me. I almost hit him. Well, my wife got very mad. At me! Evidently I am to blame for all the other driver’s horrible mistakes because I […]

Continue reading
28
Jul
2014

Why Don’t I Show Any Emotion?

by Jason
 220    2

How is it that I can feel emotion but not show it? My emotions run the gamut every day. I do have to say most of them are negative: sadness, hopelessness, fear, anger, disgust, pain, weariness, confusion. But sometimes I feel good emotions, just sometimes: happiness, bewilderment, trust, wonder, amusement, pride, patience, love. I’m just like everyone else, even with my illness. The problem comes into play in that I am unable or unwilling to show any of these emotions. Most of the time, my face is impassive; like a […]

Continue reading